It just never fails to amaze me

You might think that I am a snivelling whiner, well maybe I am just a little.  Every time I buy something there is  50/50 chance there will be something wrong with it.  The range of items range from wives to toilets.  Quite a range isn't it?  We'll explore the first and the last and maybe a few in between if my fingers hold out.

The wife: The first one was broked, unfortunately it took me 11 years to utilize the "Lemon Law clause" in Illinois Marriage laws.  This was probably the first time in my life that I wished I was a Muslim.  I could have just stood there and and said "I Divorce You three times and that would have been it.  But Nooooooooooo!  I had to be a good little WASP and it cost me a fortune, and my children's innocence.  It took me 3 years to find the woman I should have been with in the first place, 30 years later I feel the same about her as I did then.  This one worked.  see what I mean?  50/50.

Hmmm, lets see...here's the Readers Digest version of the in-betweeners:

1. New GE Range: bought, replaced when the wiring in the stove almost burnt the house down.
2. Dishwasher: one year (just over the guarantee mind you), pump gone.
3. New microwave: bad turn table motor.
4. Having my Lawn Tractor fixed: they fixed everything but what I needed fixed.  They said they inspected the belts and found them to be OK.  I looked at the belts and found a half inch chunk of belt missing on the inside of the belt that drives the blades...HELLO, that's what I wanted replaced.  In addition to that, now the mower deck hangs cattywampus.

Now, on to the ttoilets.  You may recall a past post (say that 10 times) discussing toilets.  well, I jumped the shark, drank the coolaide, pulled the trigger, fill in your own cliche [                            ] and ordered 2 brand new Kohler Cimmeron 6 body waste disposal units, one in "biscuit", and one in white.  they are suppose to be able to flush 16 golf balls without clogging up.  Since I frequently use golf balls Range Balls only) when I run out of TP  to "clean up", this was of the utmost importance to me.  Since I am old and decrepit, I asked my son-in-law to put them in for me for $100.  the one downstairs went in without a hitch.  On the first flush, my son-in-law said "that thing would flush a small child".  I rubbed my chin and thought "Hmmmm, that could come in handy some day". 

Time for a new paragraph...

On to the other toilet upstairs.  As he did with the downstairs one, (removing the old one, then upacking and installing the new one)  he removed the upstairs one, then unpacked the new one.  Low and behold (you guessed it) the new bowl base was cracked and a rather large chunk was broked off.  Now to the casual observer this would seem no big deal, just take it back and get a new one.  Nope!  First of all, these Waste Disposal Devices were ordered  on-line from Home Cheapo (misnomer, 2 Kohler toilets, $600and change, nothing cheap there) and would have to be sent back UPS.  Second of all, THE FIRST TOILET HAD ALREADY BEEN REMOVED, and now had to be  hauled back up the stairs and re-installed.

I looked at the return instructions on the packing slip and said woaaaa.  So armed with the paperwork and the raw vicious anger I had stoked myself up for to fight the obviously bloody battle with customer service that was sure to come, I sat down and dialed the 800 number provided.  After pressing "1" for the English language version of the service call, and pressing another number for God knows what anymore, I actually had a human on the line.  I firmly believe that when you press "1" what you get is an English language translation of some long forgotton language from deep in the Himalayan mountains somewhere.  I couldn't believe it, I asked, "Are you a human?" she replied "yes I am".  Well, I was stupefied to say the least.  Those of you who call a customer service number know that this is unheard of, you usually have to press numerous numbers to get the Human (if you get one at all) and is answering from 9,000 miles away.  I was prepared for a bloody battle of apocalyptic proportions.  this was not to happen, within 15 minutes I had arranged for a new Pooper from Home Depot, and a pick up of the old one.  I was totally and completely impressed

Home Depot?  Kudos!  UPS?  get your sh*t together.
Damn!!!!!!  I hate looking at Nancy Pelosi, it makes me want to put hot pokers in my eyes or even Cottage Cheese Hot Pockets...then again I would have to live the rest of my life with her face as the last thing I ever saw, except for the hot pokers and the Hot Pockets.  Hmm, lets see, Pelosi or the hot thingies...Excrement!!! That's a tough chioce.   What does have to do with anything?  I have no fricken' clue.

Oh Hell, now my fingers are bleeding.  thanks God for spell checkers...  I'm just sayin'.

What will he say next?

What a wonderful spring, I awoke this morning to 6 inches of snow on the ground. Well, ok, I might be exaggerating, but it was snowing this morning, and it WAS coming down horizontal… I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, I DO live in Wisconsin and you know what they say, Behold, a pale horse… oops wrong quote, mad cow you know, of well what the ache e double toothpick…get it? Unlike my Brother-in-law, I am prone to the using of “colorful” language, but I will try to tone it down for those of you with tender eyes. Anyway, I digress.


Have you ever shopped for a toilet? Crappy job to say the least (pun intended). One would think this was an easy task. WRONG!!! There are a gazillion brands and types to choose from. I narrowed down my search to either (pronounced eye-ther) Kohler, American Standard, or (pronounced “or”)Toto (not the dog…duh). I was amazed at the choices I had, and the prices I had to choose from. All I was looking for was something that wouldn’t clog. I didn’t need one that would flush down a bowling ball without having to use a plunger, but the thought of flushing 16 golf balls was intriguing.

There are low toilets, there are chair height (my personal fav) toilets, there are round bowls, elongated bowls, modified elongated bowls (I was afraid to ask what that was). There are one piece toilets, toilets with no tanks, toilets with power assisted flushers that are so loud everyone down the block knows when you are in the bath room sitting on the throne.

There are thick seats, thin seats, seats that have something in them to make them close slowly instead of slamming shut. There’s even one that plugs into the wall outlet to heat up your butt while you are looking through National Geographic.

I was amazed at the prices. They run from around $100 to in Thousands of dollars. I’m not kidding I saw one for $5,000 and change. This would astound Sir Thomas Crapper and Sir John Harrington.

      $100 toilet, note the                 $5,000 toilet, note the

         absence of T.P.                           absence of T.P.

Since you all know that I chair the Midwest chapter of BLA (Butt Lookers Anonymous for those of you in Rio Lindo) and am a connoisseur of  women’s butts, I have yet to see one fine enough to sit on a $5,000 toilet, but I do have high hopes of finding one or more.

…anyway, that’s my story and I’m stickin to it.